This is one of a series of blogs on FOA – frequently offered advice – based on common themes from my coaching work over the last 20 years. 

Many ministry leaders enter their roles with a skewed understanding of leadership. Their model is based on telling and directing. This is especially true for pastors, who need to have excellent speaking skills for their weekly sermons, and rely on those same skills in other parts of leadership.

But listening is an equally important leadership tool. And asking more questions opens the door for listening and learning, and therefore for leading more effectively. 

Leaders that ask sincere questions signal that they don’t know the answer. The conversation that flows from a thoughtful question gives a leader a fresh perspective to consider. The questions invite others into an important conversation about future priorities and decisions. Once they’ve been invited to collaborate in this way, people have higher buy-in and commitment to the ultimate decision. 

The good news is that the questions that start these conversations are quite simple. They are questions such as:

• How do you see this situation?
• Help me understand what you believe and why?
• What would you do about this decision? Or what would you do differently?

Simple, but not easy. A commitment to ask questions is a decision to take the time to include others in the decision-making process. It requires the discipline to not jump straight to the answer, even when it seems obvious. It means being more vulnerable by admitting that you don’t know the answer, or even that you’re wrong. It’s not easy, but it is a more effective way to lead. Do you agree?

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This is one of a series of blogs on FOA – frequently offered advice – based on common themes from my coaching work over the last 20 years. 

Something is “off” in a relationship. The relationship may be with your boss (if you’re not in the first chair), with a board member (if you are in the first chair), with a peer, or with someone that reports to you. The relationship may be way off, with noticeable tension or open conflict. But more often, especially in ministry settings, it’s slightly off. You’re frustrated about an action or behavior. Or you just don’t seem to be working together as well as you did in the past. Perhaps you were left out of an important decision or the other person didn’t follow-through on something they were supposed to do.

My advice, almost every time that I hear a version of this scenario, is have the conversation. If you feel something isn’t right in a relationship, it’s unlikely that you’re alone. The other person may feel the same distance or tension. 

To explain why you should have the conversation, consider what often happens when you don’t. First, we all make guesses about the other person’s actions. The key word in the previous sentence is “guesses” because that’s what they are. Over time, we begin to think of them as facts. To make matters worse, our guesses rarely give the benefit of the doubt to the other person. We tend to assume the frustrating behavior is the result of bad motives or an inherent character flaw. 

When we don’t have the conversation, we may think that the issue will just go away, but it rarely does. The specific problem may become less acute, but the underlying tension will often remain and we’re more easily triggered the next time there’s an offense. We’re also more likely to engage in triangulation, drawing others into an issue in unhealthy ways. 

Mustering the courage to have the conversation often produces positive outcomes. You may find that your assumptions were incorrect. Or the other person may have been completely unaware of the concern and is glad to address it. Or you may learn of a way that you unintentionally contributed to the problem. While that may not be a pleasant revelation, it can be an important step in restoring a relationship.

Of course, not every conversation goes well. The other person may get angry or deny that anything is wrong. But if the matter is truly important, the benefits far outweigh the risks. If this blog has brought an unresolved situation to mind, there’s a good chance that you need to have the conversation. 

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