relationship | Mike Bonem

Have the Conversation

Mike — Tue, 10 Sep 2019 10:30:11 +0000

This is one of a series of blogs on FOA – frequently offered advice – based on common themes from my coaching work over the last 20 years.

Something is “off” in a relationship. The relationship may be with your boss (if you’re not in the first chair), with a board member (if you are in the first chair), with a peer, or with someone that reports to you. The relationship may be way off, with noticeable tension or open conflict. But more often, especially in ministry settings, it’s slightly off. You’re frustrated about an action or behavior. Or you just don’t seem to be working together as well as you did in the past. Perhaps you were left out of an important decision or the other person didn’t follow-through on something they were supposed to do.

My advice, almost every time that I hear a version of this scenario, is have the conversation. If you feel something isn’t right in a relationship, it’s unlikely that you’re alone. The other person may feel the same distance or tension.

To explain why you should have the conversation, consider what often happens when you don’t. First, we all make guesses about the other person’s actions. The key word in the previous sentence is “guesses” because that’s what they are. Over time, we begin to think of them as facts. To make matters worse, our guesses rarely give the benefit of the doubt to the other person. We tend to assume the frustrating behavior is the result of bad motives or an inherent character flaw.

When we don’t have the conversation, we may think that the issue will just go away, but it rarely does. The specific problem may become less acute, but the underlying tension will often remain and we’re more easily triggered the next time there’s an offense. We’re also more likely to engage in triangulation, drawing others into an issue in unhealthy ways.

Mustering the courage to have the conversation often produces positive outcomes. You may find that your assumptions were incorrect. Or the other person may have been completely unaware of the concern and is glad to address it. Or you may learn of a way that you unintentionally contributed to the problem. While that may not be a pleasant revelation, it can be an important step in restoring a relationship.

Of course, not every conversation goes well. The other person may get angry or deny that anything is wrong. But if the matter is truly important, the benefits far outweigh the risks. If this blog has brought an unresolved situation to mind, there’s a good chance that you need to have the conversation.

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Be Honest

Mike — Tue, 17 Dec 2013 11:00:20 +0000

In my November newsletter, I briefly described three answers that I often give when I hear of tension within a senior leadership team. This blog expands on the final of those answers. One of the hardest things to do when relationships are strained is to be honest. First and second chairs typically are well aware that there is some level of discord. They know, and often others know as well, but no one wants to talk about it. And yet if the issue is not discussed, it is very unlikely that it will get better. That’s why “be honest” is the third bit of advice that I frequently offer when leadership teams are struggling. I understand that there are reasons to hold back. There’s the fear that the other person will react poorly – a first chair may get angry and fire a subordinate; a second chair may be hurt and decide to look for another job. Either may get defensive or resort to some sort of passive aggressive behavior. These are all legitimate reasons, but they need to be overcome because there’s no reason to think that the relationship will magically improve if you don’t talk. If you’re convinced that you need to be honest but aren’t sure how, here are a couple of simple ideas:

Step into the shallow end first. Start with something simple like “it seems like we’re struggling to get on the same page.” This allows you to see if the other person is also concerned and gauge their reaction. Don’t immediately jump into the deep end, saying something like, “It’s obvious that you don’t trust me.”
Own your part. Relationships are always two-way. Go into the conversation with the possibility that may be part of the problem. Ask how you’ve contributed to the relational damage.
Remember your shared goals. At the start of the conversation, affirm your desire to build a strong relationship and to see the organization excel. If you assume that the other person already knows that you believe this, you’ve missed a chance to reinforce your common foundation.
It’s not “one and done.” In most cases, by the time a person decides to have this honest conversation, the relational issues have been going on for a while. That means that you probably can’t “fix” the problem in one conversation. In fact, you may not even be able to discuss all the problems in one conversation. Only cover as much in one conversation as the other person can reasonably handle. Be willing to talk as many times as necessary.

Finally, borrowing an axiom from Bill Hybels, be willing to say the last 10%. Too often, we’ll be mostly honest – that is we’ll say some of what’s on our mind but we’ll shrink back from saying the final thing that may be most important. If it’s important, even if it’s hard, find a way to be honest about 100% of what truly matters. It’s easy to receive my blogs by email. Just sign-up on Feedburner by clicking here.]]>

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Be Patient

Mike — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 14:15:45 +0000

In my November newsletter, I briefly described three answers that I often give when I hear of tension within a senior leadership team. This blog expands on the second of those answers. How long did it take for the relationship with your best friend to become what it is today? Or if you’re married, for you and your spouse to get to the point where you could anticipate how the other would react to a situation? It takes time, doesn’t it? And there’s no way to compress that time from months into minutes, no matter how hard you try. We know this is true for a variety of relationships, but people often seem to think that a different set of rules is in effect for the relationship between first and second chair leaders. They expect to reach that point of hand-in-glove partnership within a few weeks or months at most. Perhaps they think that this is a “working relationship” that is defined around job descriptions. Or perhaps they just feel an urgency that the relationshipo must develop quickly, even if they know that’s not realistic. Unfortunately, having this kind of unrealistic expectation will increase the tension between first and second chairs, not smooth it out. Notice that the need to be patient goes in both directions. A second chair needs to be patient when he/she feels that authority isn’t being delegated quickly enough or trust isn’t being given readily enough. A first chair needs to be patient when he/she feels that the second chair isn’t getting up to speed soon enough. Leaders need to think in terms of calendars not stopwatches, gourmet meals not microwave dinners. As you think about your own context, can you paint a picture of what the ideal first-second chair relationship would look like? As I talk to leaders in a variety of settings, I hear this ideal expressed in things like:

The second chair anticipates what the first chair needs before he/she even says anything.
The first chair truly understands the second chair’s strengths, and uses them fully.
The second chair would be trusted to lead an important meeting if the first chair was called away for a last minute emergency.
They can each complete the other’s sentences.

So how are you doing? Do you have a clear picture of your ideal? How close are you to meeting it? If there’s a big gap, what will you do to shrink it? Part of the answer is to be honest, which is the third bit of advice that I’ll cover in my next blog. It’s easy to receive my blogs by email. Just sign-up on Feedburner by clicking here.]]>

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