Be Honest

Mike — Tue, 17 Dec 2013 11:00:20 +0000

In my November newsletter, I briefly described three answers that I often give when I hear of tension within a senior leadership team. This blog expands on the final of those answers. One of the hardest things to do when relationships are strained is to be honest. First and second chairs typically are well aware that there is some level of discord. They know, and often others know as well, but no one wants to talk about it. And yet if the issue is not discussed, it is very unlikely that it will get better. That’s why “be honest” is the third bit of advice that I frequently offer when leadership teams are struggling. I understand that there are reasons to hold back. There’s the fear that the other person will react poorly – a first chair may get angry and fire a subordinate; a second chair may be hurt and decide to look for another job. Either may get defensive or resort to some sort of passive aggressive behavior. These are all legitimate reasons, but they need to be overcome because there’s no reason to think that the relationship will magically improve if you don’t talk. If you’re convinced that you need to be honest but aren’t sure how, here are a couple of simple ideas:

Step into the shallow end first. Start with something simple like “it seems like we’re struggling to get on the same page.” This allows you to see if the other person is also concerned and gauge their reaction. Don’t immediately jump into the deep end, saying something like, “It’s obvious that you don’t trust me.”
Own your part. Relationships are always two-way. Go into the conversation with the possibility that may be part of the problem. Ask how you’ve contributed to the relational damage.
Remember your shared goals. At the start of the conversation, affirm your desire to build a strong relationship and to see the organization excel. If you assume that the other person already knows that you believe this, you’ve missed a chance to reinforce your common foundation.
It’s not “one and done.” In most cases, by the time a person decides to have this honest conversation, the relational issues have been going on for a while. That means that you probably can’t “fix” the problem in one conversation. In fact, you may not even be able to discuss all the problems in one conversation. Only cover as much in one conversation as the other person can reasonably handle. Be willing to talk as many times as necessary.

Finally, borrowing an axiom from Bill Hybels, be willing to say the last 10%. Too often, we’ll be mostly honest – that is we’ll say some of what’s on our mind but we’ll shrink back from saying the final thing that may be most important. If it’s important, even if it’s hard, find a way to be honest about 100% of what truly matters. It’s easy to receive my blogs by email. Just sign-up on Feedburner by clicking here.]]>

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Be Honest