This is one of a series of blogs on FOA – frequently offered advice – based on common themes from my coaching work over the last 20 years. 

Something is “off” in a relationship. The relationship may be with your boss (if you’re not in the first chair), with a board member (if you are in the first chair), with a peer, or with someone that reports to you. The relationship may be way off, with noticeable tension or open conflict. But more often, especially in ministry settings, it’s slightly off. You’re frustrated about an action or behavior. Or you just don’t seem to be working together as well as you did in the past. Perhaps you were left out of an important decision or the other person didn’t follow-through on something they were supposed to do.

My advice, almost every time that I hear a version of this scenario, is have the conversation. If you feel something isn’t right in a relationship, it’s unlikely that you’re alone. The other person may feel the same distance or tension. 

To explain why you should have the conversation, consider what often happens when you don’t. First, we all make guesses about the other person’s actions. The key word in the previous sentence is “guesses” because that’s what they are. Over time, we begin to think of them as facts. To make matters worse, our guesses rarely give the benefit of the doubt to the other person. We tend to assume the frustrating behavior is the result of bad motives or an inherent character flaw. 

When we don’t have the conversation, we may think that the issue will just go away, but it rarely does. The specific problem may become less acute, but the underlying tension will often remain and we’re more easily triggered the next time there’s an offense. We’re also more likely to engage in triangulation, drawing others into an issue in unhealthy ways. 

Mustering the courage to have the conversation often produces positive outcomes. You may find that your assumptions were incorrect. Or the other person may have been completely unaware of the concern and is glad to address it. Or you may learn of a way that you unintentionally contributed to the problem. While that may not be a pleasant revelation, it can be an important step in restoring a relationship.

Of course, not every conversation goes well. The other person may get angry or deny that anything is wrong. But if the matter is truly important, the benefits far outweigh the risks. If this blog has brought an unresolved situation to mind, there’s a good chance that you need to have the conversation. 

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I’ve been coaching pastors and ministry leaders for over 20 years. And while each person and each situation is unique, it shouldn’t be surprising that common themes emerge in these conversations. 

Those common themes lead to some common responses. So the next several blogs will share my FOA’s – frequently offered advice. Here’s a preview of what you can expect in the coming weeks:

• Have the conversation.
• Meet with a purpose.
• Do something life-giving.
• Don’t be the Lone Ranger.
• Clarify your priorities.
• Ask your assistant.
• Delegate more.
• Ask more questions.
• Create balcony space.

Based on my experience, at least one of these topics will hit the bullseye for every one of you. I hope you’ll learn more about each.

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