Books | Mike Bonem

Resisters Are NOT the Enemy

Mike Bonem — Mon, 18 Jul 2022 18:24:13 +0000

This post is adapted from my new book, The Art of Leading Change: Ten Perspectives on the Messiness of Ministry.

In many arenas of life, we neatly divide people into two groups: friends and foes. Sports pit one team against another. American politics are defined by two opposing parties. So whenever differences of opinion arise in a church or ministry, our tendency is to identify people as “for us” or “against us,” and then label the latter as enemies.

The increased polarization in our society heightens this tendency. Attacking people who think differently than we do has become acceptable. While the church should be acting as a positive influence by showing the world how to handle differences, the sad truth is that society is having a much greater influence on the church. How should we respond to resistance?

The Anatomy of Resistance

Leaders are not called to maintain the status quo. Their job is to lead their organizations toward a more vibrant future. This is especially true in today’s church and ministry contexts, where settling for the status quo is actually a path towards slow death. But whenever change is in the air, resistance is sure to follow.

What is resistance? It is more than a person on the leadership team asking hard questions. This is simply part of the process of thoroughly examining a proposal before making a decision. Nor is it a couple sharing their concerns about a plan with their pastor, which is part of the process for building understanding and buy-in.

Actual resistance can take many forms, ranging from mild to inappropriate and destructive. Some people may speak or vote against a proposed change. Others may pull away from the church—resigning from volunteer roles, ending financial contributions, or moving their membership. While any resistance is disappointing, these actions are within acceptable boundaries.

In more extreme cases, resistance is guided by a political playbook rather than a biblical one. People opposed to a change may share inaccurate or misleading information to influence a decision. They may get personal, attacking the pastor and other leaders by questioning their motives or integrity. If the proposed change is approved, they may actively undermine the implementation to keep it from succeeding.

In light of these unacceptable behaviors, how can I maintain that “resisters are not the enemy”? My assertion is based on two beliefs. The first is that resistance is normal. John Kotter, a leading expert on change, says, “Irrational and political resistance to change never fully dissipates” (Leading Change, p. 132). It would be wonderful if everyone in a church focused on the collective benefits of a proposed change, but individuals tend to look through the lens of “How will this affect me?” If they conclude the personal impact will be negative, they are likely to resist.

My second belief is that the people who are resisting change love their church. They are not trying to harm or destroy it. In fact, they often resist because they believe the proposed change will hurt the church. They may not be right. Their defense of the status quo may be the real danger. But don’t confuse questionable logic with evil motives.

On top of this, when change is in the air, people get anxious. As stress rises, people lose their ability to wrestle with all the facets of complex decisions. Instead, their brains shift into “flight or fight” survival mode. If you find yourself wondering why a church member was acting so “stupid” or “irrational,” remember that this is normal behavior in the anxious swirl of change.

Leaders who try to squelch disagreement under the banner of “Let’s all just get along” often add fuel to the fire of resistance. Churches need to allow healthy conflict in which the pros and cons of a potential change can be prayerfully considered. If debate can’t occur in the open, it doesn’t go away; it just goes underground, where resisters will find plenty of unhealthy and unbiblical models for conflict.

A Pastoral Response to Resistance

What should you do if people who oppose a change are acting like your enemies? Regardless of their intent, a starting point is to take a cue from Christ’s teaching: “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27–28).

It is easy for me to copy and paste these words from an online Bible. It is much more difficult to put them into practice. But consider the alternative. The secular approach to enemies is to keep them at a distance or go to battle, doing whatever is necessary to beat them. That response almost guarantees a tit-for-tat reaction from the person on the other side of the issue. A small difference of opinion can quickly escalate when leaders put on their battle armor. Responding to them in love is the best hope for changing their behavior, even if it doesn’t change their opinions.

In this context, loving the people who resist change means listening to them and demonstrating care for their concerns. Sometimes listening to resisters in love will generate solutions. But even when that doesn’t happen, a loving response often softens their anger and blunts their attack. It really is true that “a gentle answer turns away wrath” (Prov 15:1).

Loving and listening to resisters is an important pastoral response, but not the only response. In many cases, the resisters are a small minority. Ministry leaders have a responsibility for the entire flock and for the vision that God is calling the church to pursue. They may need to say, “I hear your concern and understand your pain, but we still believe this is the right change to make.”

A pastoral response is the right way to engage with resistance, and it can alter the trajectory of a change process. But it is not easy. Resistance hurts; there is no way to avoid this. The weight of resistance—the tension, emotion, and conflict—is simply too much for any one leader to carry. That is why God’s words to another leader are important to keep in mind: “Be strong and courageous … for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). When we remember this promise, we can also remember that resisters are not the enemy.

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Necessary Endings

Mike — Tue, 05 Feb 2019 11:12:00 +0000

Henry Cloud’s Necessary Endings should be a top shelf resource for every ministry leader. That’s because pastors and others in ministry tend to struggle when the time comes to end something. The “something” may be a program that needs to close or a staff member that isn’t meeting expectations. In any case, failure to reach an ending comes at a high cost, both personally and organizationally.

The necessity of endings is not a new idea for me. What I particularly like about Cloud’s book is that he thoughtfully and thoroughly addresses the topic. He builds a compelling case for the importance of endings and the benefits of making these difficult decisions. He offers helpful ways to determine if an ending is really necessary. And he offers concrete steps for how to handle an ending well.

One of the book’s most powerful concepts is the characterization of people as wise, foolish, or evil. In Cloud’s framework, wisdom is not the same as intelligence. “Wisdom is a stance that people take wherein they are open to hearing the truth … Such people take feedback, correction, and training well.” Cloud later explains, “In contrast, the fool adjusts the truth so he has to do nothing different. He is never wrong; someone else is.” Cloud then explains how each of these personality types requires a different approach.

Cloud uses a variety of illustrations to show how endings apply in personal relationships, organizational decisions, employment situations, and more. You may think that endings are always cold and callous, but Cloud presents them in a way that is caring and life-giving.

But most importantly, endings open up new possibilities for individuals and organizations. As Cloud explains, “Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them.” If you’re feeling stuck in some part of your life or ministry, is it possible that an ending is necessary?

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"The Genius of One"

Mike — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 11:39:14 +0000

My first interaction with Greg Holder, pastor of The Crossing, was 7 years ago as I was doing interviews for one of my books. One particular comment stuck with me: “When the church shoots its wounded, that’s not just a bad thing. It’s the exact opposite of what Jesus teaches.” But it wasn’t just the quote that grabbed my attention. The more I’ve learned about The Crossing, the more impressed I’ve become at their intentionality in creating an environment where Jesus’ teaching about unity is embedded in the culture. That’s why I’m so excited about Greg’s book, The Genius of One: God’s Answer for Our Fractured World. The foundation for the book is Jesus’ prayer in John 17. Greg explains:

With time running out, Jesus didn’t pray for his disciples to be brave or persevering. … He didn’t pray that we’d be clever or compassionate, relevant or intelligent. He didn’t pray that we’d win debates or end world hunger. He prayed that we would be one. It must have mattered an awful lot to pray those words on that night.

Of course, no one will disagree that unity is important. What makes The Genius of One valuable is Greg’s ability to weave biblical teaching and practical guidance together in a readable resource. His tone is both serious and light-hearted at the same time, with a variety of memorable illustrations that include sharks, cobras, aspen trees, train stations in India, and Pixar movies. Greg shows what unity should look like within the church and as we interact with other Christians in the world. He paints a compelling picture that despite our differences, “faith cannot be lived out effectively without the energy and influence of others.” He then says:

Can you imagine what might happen if we were a little awestruck with this work God has done among us? Would we see one another differently? Treat one other differently? Might we offer just one more drop of grace? … Might we be the last ones to pile on and the first to forgive?

Indeed, that would be a powerful witness that reflects the love and the genius of our one Creator to the world. It’s easy to receive my blogs by email. Just sign-up on Feedburner by clicking here.]]>

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Creating Peak Moments

Mike — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 11:33:28 +0000

In my last blog, I reviewed The Power of Moments, the new book by Dan and Chip Heath. They explain that the trajectories of our lives are shaped by memorable moments. But more importantly, they also contend that we can be more intentional in creating moments for ourselves and those we lead. An important aspect of moments is “elevation.” The Heaths explain, “Moments of elevation are experiences that rise above the everyday … that make us feel engaged, joyful, amazed, motivated.” They refer to these moments of elevation as “peaks.” But according to the Heaths, “The absence or neglect of peaks is particularly glaring in organizations where relentless routines tend to grind them down from peaks to bumps.” I can’t think of anywhere that this concept is more important than in church leadership. We naturally work to create moments at the high points in the Christian calendar – Advent and Holy Week. But what about the rest of the year? And what about all the things that we do outside of worship? What would it look like in churches if …

Every worship service was a peak moment that made worshipers feel amazed at the movement of God?
A moment was created for new volunteer leaders so that they felt full of joy and amazement.
Small group leaders intentionally sought to create moments of spiritual engagement rather than just working through a list of questions.

One way to promote elevation is to “break the script … to defy people’s expectations of how an experience will unfold.” Unfortunately, in the examples above and many other things in churches, people know exactly what to expect because they are so routine. I know there are many logical reasons that prevent you from “breaking the script.” So let me close with one final quote from the Heaths: “Beware the soul-sucking force of ‘reasonableness.'” What can you do to break the script and create more peak moments for the people you lead? Receive my blogs by email (via Feedburner) by clicking here.]]>

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The Power of Moments

Mike — Thu, 30 Nov 2017 13:18:16 +0000

I was recently interviewed for a podcast and was asked about some of the “memorable moments of my career.” One that quickly came to mind was my first time at a megachurch’s leadership conference where I had been asked to teach a workshop on “leading change.” Almost 25 years later, I still have vivid memories of that moment. Those are precisely the kinds of memories that Dan and Chip Heath describe in their new book, The Power of Moments. But they do much more than describe – they make the case that “moments” can change the trajectory of a person’s life, and that we can be intentional in creating moments more frequently for ourselves and for others. The Heath’s explain that much of our time is spent in bland, unmemorable activities but it’s the moments that make a difference. Just as in their other outstanding books (Made to Stick, Switch, and Decisive), the Heath brothers do a great job of weaving current research on human behavior with memorable illustrations in a concise framework. Their stories are from all different arenas – business, education, personal, and even religion. One of my favorite stories is “Senior Signing Day” at YES Prep, a charter school in Houston. The inspiration for this event came from ESPN’s “National Signing Day” that unveils the college choices of the country’s top high school football players. YES Prep’s Senior Signing Day has become a highly anticipated, school-wide event in which the seniors, many of whom will be the first in their generation to attend college, announce where they will be going after graduation. It’s a huge day for the entire school, memorable not just for the seniors but for all the younger students who are inspired to work toward their own “signing day.” The YES Prep story highlights one of the Heath’s key points – moments don’t just happen, they can be created. Those are the times when “the prose of life needs punctuation.” Great things can happen when we’re intentional about creating moments. The mindset of creating moments has applications for how we live our own lives, how we supervise and mentor others, and how we lead our organizations. In my case, that moment at a megachurch leadership conference helped me see how my business experience could be used to help churches. It was a catalyst that led to my first book, my first consulting project with a church, and eventually to my switch to vocational ministry (as an executive pastor and consultant/coach). What could happen in your life, or in the church or ministry that you lead, if you paid more attention to “the power of moments”? Receive my blogs by email (via Feedburner) by clicking here.]]>

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Team of Rivals

Mike — Thu, 05 Oct 2017 10:30:35 +0000

I recently finished Team of Rivals, Doris Kearns Goodwin’s remarkable book about Abraham Lincoln. Goodwin follows Lincoln from his surprising selection as the presidential nominee for the Republican Party through his tragic death at the hands of an assassin. Team of Rivals takes its title from the remarkable cast of characters that Lincoln chose as his closest advisors and members of his cabinet. They included his three primary rivals for the Republican nomination, all of whom were better qualified (on paper) and had more experience than Lincoln. The cabinet also included individuals from opposing political parties. Team of Rivals is a fascinating historical account, but it also has great application for church and ministry leaders today. Much has been written about the chaotic and uncertain future facing today’s leaders. But surely Lincoln’s situation was just as complex, with the democratic ideal still relatively new and a nation divided by seemingly irreconcilable differences. Even though the path forward for Lincoln and the country was rarely clear, he had no choice other than to press ahead based on his best assessment. Four other important leadership lessons in Team of Rivals are:

Choose people who are more qualified may not always agree with you. Goodwin makes it clear that Lincoln’s cabinet was contentious at times, but the vigorous debate that grew out of their diversity led to better decisions that held the Union together.
The buck stops on the leader’s desk. Lincoln frequently took the blame for unpopular or failed decisions, even when it would have been easy to let a subordinate take the fall. Today, we often see the opposite, with leaders looking for someone to blame even when they are responsible.
Doing the right thing may not be popular. I was surprised to learn that Lincoln’s nomination and election for a second term were in doubt until just weeks before the 1864 election. He doggedly pursued what he considered to be the right course of action, including decisions about emancipation and continuation of the war, even in the face of severe criticism, at times from his own allies.
Integrity matters deeply. Quotes from letters and diaries of Lincoln’s advisors show that they frequently disagreed with him, but his willingness to listen and his unquestionable integrity won their support over and over.

Leadership isn’t easy, whether one is at the helm of a divided nation or of a church in turbulent times. Would a team of rivals help you lead more effectively? It’s easy to receive my blogs by email. Just sign-up on Feedburner by clicking here.]]>

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Boss or Coach?

Mike — Thu, 14 Sep 2017 10:20:10 +0000

Far too often, the mental model of being the “boss” focuses on being bossy—directing, correcting, monitoring, and generally being the smartest person in the room. But what if your role was to help individual staff members reach their full potential? Of course, that is the perspective of a coach. In sports, a good coach never loses sight of the goal. Developing individual players is a means for achieving that goal. Coaches know that players will make mistakes. They review films, not for punishment, but to help players learn from their errors. At times, the coach makes the hard decision to bench a player or to move him to a different position, but this is always done for the good of the team and the player. The one thing that will earn a swift rebuke from a sports coach is a poor attitude. Giving less than 100 percent or doing something that undermines team chemistry will not be tolerated. These same practices are applicable for any ministry leader who wants to make the shift from supervising to coaching. Which of these aspects of coaching should you seek to improve? My teen years were deeply influenced by a great coach. As a freshman in high school, the only sport in which I had a chance to excel was distance running (cross country and track). And that chance was fairly slim—I was a small kid with plenty of determination but only average athletic ability. My performance that first year was mediocre. But my coach, Gene Bosse, believed in me. My sophomore year was only slightly better. Then I had a breakout performance early in my junior year, only to suffer a series of injuries that carried over into my senior year. That February, three months before graduation and the state track meet, my prospects looked bleak. I remember a tense conversation with Coach Bosse in which I told him that trying to make a comeback seemed futile. He demonstrated a remarkable mix of compassion and resolve in that moment, and that pushed me to keep trying. When I finished second in the mile run in the state track meet that May, the place on the victory stand was just as much his as it was mine. If you want to thrive in the second chair (or any chair), be a coach. Develop your staff members to live into their full potential. Help them to tap into abilities that they may not even know they have. Don’t let them off easy—it’s not good for them or for your church or ministry. And when they soar, experience the joy of the victory with them. Excerpt from Thriving in the Second Chair: Ten Practices for Robust Ministry (When You’re Not in Charge) by Mike Bonem, Abingdon Press, 2016. ]]>

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Growing Young

Mike — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 10:23:50 +0000

I recently had the opportunity to not only read Growing Young, but to hear one of the authors, Jake Mulder, speak to a group of executive pastors for which I am the facilitator. I’ve been part of countless conversations in which the overarching question is, “How can our church reach young adults?” I’m thankful that Jake, along with co-authors Kara Powell and Brad Griffin, offer practical, research-based answers to this question. Growing Young is an outgrowth of the Fuller Youth Institute and their work on “sticky faith.” It is based on a 4-year research project that began with 363 congregations, seeking to identify ones that “are really good at reaching young people” and understanding what they are doing differently. They define “young people” as being between 15 and 29 years old. The central findings of Growing Young are summarized in 6 core commitments that emerged from the research. These commitments are:

Unlock keychain leadership – empowers others, especially young people.
Empathize with today’s young people – step into the shoes of this generation.
Take Jesus’ message seriously – welcome young people into a Jesus-centered way of life.
Fuel a warm community – aim for warm peer and intergenerational friendships.
Prioritize young people everywhere – look for creative ways to tangibly support, resource, and involve them in all facets of your congregation.
Be the best neighbors – enable young people to neighbor well locally and globally (Growing Young, p. 43).

Growing Young identifies exemplary churches of all different sizes, in all different parts of the country, and across the denominational spectrum. It debunks a variety of myths about growing young, such as the importance of a “cool factor” or an abundance of resources. But mostly Growing Young provides stories, data, and ideas that you can discuss with your leadership team and put into practice. For example, I was intrigued by the examples of older adults who, when given the opportunity, developed rich mentoring relationships with young people in their congregations. Rather than wringing your hands about an aging congregation, consider this as a resource that will help you reverse the trend and begin to grow young. It’s easy to receive my blogs by email. Just sign-up on Feedburner by clicking here.]]>

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Canoeing the Mountains

Mike — Tue, 21 Feb 2017 11:45:35 +0000

When my friend, Jim Herrington, gave me a copy of Canoeing the Mountains, it could have easily gotten buried in my never-ending reading stack except for two things he said. Jim told me that this was the book that he wished he had written because of how well it addresses the challenges of ministry leadership in a post-Christian era. He also told me that the book uses the Lewis and Clark expedition as the backdrop for explaining leadership concepts. The subtitle for Tod Bolsinger’s book is Christian Leadership in Uncharted Territory. “Uncharted territory” is where Lewis and Clark found themselves as they reached the headwaters of the Missouri River, and it’s where most ministry leaders find themselves today. Bolsinger points out that, like Lewis and Clark, our maps and assumptions for that uncharted territory are often inadequate or completely inaccurate. Bolsinger presents a “transformational leadership model” that can allow an organization to venture “off-the-map.” This model has three components – technical competence, relational congruence, and adaptive capacity. While adaptive leadership – leading in situations where you don’t know the answer – is essential in uncharted territory, Bolsinger explains that we need technical competence and relational congruence to get there. As he says, “No one is going to follow you off the map unless they trust you on it.” Canoeing the Mountains integrates the best thinking from a variety of experts. It draws on Heifetz’s writing on adaptive leadership, Friedman’s understanding of anxiety in systems and the gridlock that this can produce, Kotter and Wheatley’s work on change management, and more. But he also bases his writing in Scripture and his own experience as the pastor of a church that faced the challenge of going into uncharted territory. Bolsinger defines leadership as “energizing a community of people toward their own transformation in order to accomplish a shared mission in the face of a changing world.” Three of my other favorite quotes from the book are:

“People need to experience the love of God before they are led into the mission of God.”
“Adaptive work pays attention to the deep underlying causes that keep a group perilously perched in a state of inaction.”
“I encourage leaders to escape the expert expectation by becoming an expert experimenter, an expert question asker instead of answer giver.”

I have no doubt that you need to lead in uncharted territory. If you want a guide for the journey, consider Canoeing the Mountains. It’s easy to receive my blogs by email. Just sign-up on Feedburner by clicking here.]]>

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Do You Want "More"?

Mike — Thu, 27 Oct 2016 14:22:32 +0000

I still remember having lunch with Greg Hawkins over 10 years ago. At the time, Greg was the executive pastor of Willow Creek Church. They were in the early stages of the extensive research project that was later described in his books Reveal and Move. Greg was quite animated as he described the early findings and the impact that it would have at Willow. Over the years, I’ve been able to stay in touch with Greg, and his enthusiasm has continued to grow. It has grown because the research led him to something much greater – a life of “more” intimacy with God. It’s those learnings that he describes in More: How to Move from Activity for God to Intimacy with God. More begins with the “aha” that grew out of the research. Something is dramatically different among the people whose lives are most Christ-centered. Greg explains:

People in this group love God with their whole heart and love others as themselves. They have found a life of purpose, a life of loving others, a life of inner contentment and peace. We want these things. We crave that kind of life, especially when we learn that it’s not about doing more things. The good news is that you can have this kind of life. You can find the more you’re looking for.

Greg lays out 6 shifts in our thinking and actions that can enable any believer to experience a life of more. Even though he draws on the research, I was drawn in by the way that Greg shares his own deeply personal journey toward more. I was also challenged throughout More. In one of the shifts, which Greg calls “From Next to Now,” he says, “Most of us have grown up thinking that pushing through things to get a lot accomplished is the hallmark of success, or even a means of pleasing God. I’m not so sure about that anymore.” Even as I was challenged, I was also encouraged. More is not a collection of rules, nor is it a vehicle for producing guilt. It is an invitation – an invitation that the Holy Spirit can use to lead you and me to the abundant life of more that God wants for us.]]>

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