Are You Sending Mixed Messages?

Last month, I wrote about those frustrating moments when someone’s actions don’t line up with what they said (“Did You Really Mean It?”). You’ve probably been the victim of this, taking someone at their word only to be disappointed or hurt. But before we look at the problems caused by others, we need to consider how we can be the perpetrators.

A common scenario illustrates how a simple exchange can go awry. A staff person or church member has a new ministry idea. For example, they might say, “Instead of doing our harvest festival at the church, let’s organize several mini-festivals at people’s homes so that we’re more visible in our neighborhoods.” They mention it to you during a brief conversation in the hallway or after a worship service. Your generic response is something like, “Great idea” or “That’s really interesting.” Before you know it, the person is taking steps to implement their idea, and you’re dealing with the fallout.

Let’s go back to the initial the conversation. You genuinely thought it was an interesting idea, but you certainly weren’t giving them a green light. What happened in that moment and what could you have done differently? Here are four typical scenarios:

• You had other things on your mind and were only half-listening. In fact, you may not even remember the proposal. You can’t ensure conversations will occur at your ideal times, but you can ask the person to email with more details or make an appointment to discuss it further.
• You didn’t think about all the implications. The people who have organized the harvest festival in the past will almost certainly be upset unless they’re in the loop. It’s impossible to identify all the implications in a brief conversation, but you can say that the first step is a meeting with the right people at the table.
• You assumed that the person was just offering a suggestion and would know that they should go through the “proper process” before acting. It’s dangerous to assume you know what others are thinking. It’s better to extend the conversation by asking a question (“What’s next?”) rather than pretending to know what they intend to do.
• You didn’t really think this idea would work, but it was easier to express support. This is a classic conflict-avoidant response. Why not skip a conversation today that might disappoint someone, and hope you won’t have to have it tomorrow? But as you can see, avoidance can lead to bigger problems in the future. Add to “That’s an interesting idea” a qualifier such as “… but we’d need to take a closer look at the pros and cons.”

Did you notice that the in-the-moment solution for each of these scenarios is just a few extra words? “… Would you please follow-up by emailing/making an appointment/talking to ___.” This simple addition can prevent a mountain of miscommunication and frustration down the road. In what ways are you sending mixed messages?