Extend Your “Shelf Life” – Just Say “No”

Decisive, the Heath brothers (Chip and Dan) refer to this as “narrow framing.” It’s what happens when someone narrows a decision down to a simple “whether or not” or “yes or no” choice. The second chair leader that feels stagnant or burned out can easily fall victim to narrow framing by asking, “Is it time for me to leave?” This closed-ended question seems to offer only two choices – yes or no, stay or go. The Heaths say it’s a mistake to ask the question this way. Instead, it’s important to “widen your options.” But what are those wider options? Is it possible to extend your shelf life? To answer this question, it’s helpful to understand the factors that can shorten a second chair’s shelf life. One common culprit is “role creep.” Second chair leaders often find themselves doing all sorts of things that weren’t part of their original job description. New duties are added, but nothing is taken away. It’s like turning on the water to fill the sink. At first, the sink has plenty of capacity for more water. But at some point, you have to open the drain or the water overflows, creating a huge mess. If role creep and the overload that often comes with it are constantly lurking enemies of thriving, then it seems clear that the answer is to say “no.” Of course, it’s never that simple or clear because there are many different circumstances where you need to say “no” and many different ways of doing so. The easiest, and yet often hardest, is to say “no” to those activities that clearly do not align with your abilities and priorities. It may be the invitation to show up at every single church gathering or to attend certain meetings just because you’re the boss or you “always have a good perspective.” These are the easiest because you know what your answer should be. They can be the hardest because your own feelings of guilt or self-worth somehow keep the “no” from being verbalized. Conquering this demon requires self-examination, greater awareness, and often an accountability partner who will challenge you to say “no” more often. At other times, the answer isn’t quite as obvious. When a real need exists and you have the ability to meet that need, it is difficult to say “no.” In those moments, the opening words of Jim Collins’ classic book, Good to Great, should echo in your mind: “Good is the enemy of great.” It’s easy to become overwhelmed doing good things, those activities that help others and leverage your gifts. But in saying “yes” to the good, you may preclude the possibility of doing something even more important or significant. Simply saying, “Let me get back to you” rather than saying “yes” may give you the space you need to make this determination. In many cases, you can say “not me” without saying “no.” First chair leaders often delegate to their second chairs the important tasks that they don’t want to do or don’t have time for. Unfortunately, many second chairs are hesitant do to the same. A willingness to pass the responsibility to another staff member is a great way to say “no” without it being a “no.” Like opening the drain on the sink, it keeps you from being overloaded, even as new priorities are coming in. And just as importantly, it develops other leaders and communicates trust in them. But what about those times when you and the entire team are overloaded, and the new request is a priority from your first chair. Can you say “no” to your boss? In many cases, you can. The best scenario is to sit down with your first chair and review all of the different things on your plate. Explain how the new request pushes you well beyond 100%, and ask for help with setting priorities or taking something off your plate. Even better, propose a solution that preserves organizational priorities and doesn’t burden your first chair. While many second chairs are reluctant to have this conversation, it often has a positive outcome. It’s not uncommon for a first chair to remark, “I didn’t realize you had so much to do” and then to shift some responsibilities. Even if the outcome isn’t this positive, it is still the right conversation to have. You know your workload better than anyone else, and you should know the point at which workload becomes overload. You know that your family will pay a price if you don’t say “no.” It’s rare for someone else to say “no” on your behalf. I know that each person and each context is unique. But I am confident in saying that second chair leaders often need to say “no” in one way or another, even in respectful or subtle ways to their first chair. And I am confident that getting clear about when to say “no” creates opportunities for you to say “yes” to things that may be life giving and mission critical. Finding the right ways to say “no” – and “yes” – are great ways for second chair leaders to extend their shelf lives. This is an excerpt from Mike Bonem’s forthcoming book, Thriving in the Second Chair: Ten Practices for Robust Ministry (When You’re Not in Charge), which will be released in September 2016.]]>